I fell in love with this bikini right away. Bright print, interesting neckline that won't create horrible tanlines but will stay on while surfing, tieless bottoms, check-check-check:
But. BUT. (BUTT, actually.) Youguys.
seriously??
like really????
Maybe I am just a super-prude with a big ass who hasn't been to Miami or, like, Brazil lately, but WHO WEARS THIS?? That model could fit inside of my left thigh and even she looks uncomfortable. And I'm sorry, if the LINING is poking out in the product photo (probably due to some sort of skin-glue mishap), that's just a BAD SIGN.
Is anyone on the same page with me here? Or am I really just that uptight about ass-showing? Because now I'm starting to wonder if all of Mara Hoffman's swimsuit bottoms are like this, or if the above is an exception. I'm hoping against hope that this particular stock of bikinis got relegated to the online-sample-sale afterlife because the sane buyers out there who predict what Kids These Days will be into said nuh-uh when they saw some poor girl's ENTIRE ASS in the lookbook.
[pause for research...]
But(t)...alas...
Not even the "boy shorts" are exempt from superfluous underbutt-cleavage:
It should also be noted that Neiman Marcus' online selection of Mara Hoffman inventory includes ABSOLUTELY NO PHOTOS FROM THE BACK! And based on what I've seen, the "partial seat coverage" product descriptions are somewhat misleading. I wonder if the people who write those product descriptions considered a more accurate "BEWARE: NONE OF OUR MODELS WOULD SIGN A NUDITY CLAUSE SO WE CAN'T SHOW YOU ANY BACK-SIDE VIEWS, BUT PLEASE KNOW THAT EVEN IF YOU ARE TINY, IF YOU HAVE EVEN THE SUBTLEST OF PROTRUSIONS BELOW YOUR LOWER BACK YOU WILL BE ESSENTIALLY THONG-CLAD SO DON'T BUY THIS TO WEAR TO YOUR GRANDPARENTS' BEACH HOUSE. OR ANYWHERE YOU WILL EVER BE WITH YOUR DAD. OR SMALL CHILDREN. OR LAW ENFORCEMENT."
Now let's get something straight - I am all for shakin what your mama gave you, and owning your curves. And I applaud the websites above for employing models with actual booties to demonstrate the fit of these bottoms (ShopBop, for example, sells plenty of Mara Hoffman swimwear, but the model they have wearing it has literally zero butt so those photos wouldn't really help my point). THAT BEING SAID, I'm still confused about how one pulls off this look. Are these bikinis designed for swimsuit-and-heels, real-housewives-of-whatever, lounging/cocktail-sipping, no-swimming, no-walking, no-moving situations? Are some ladies just cool with showing that much underskin? SIAV, what would the Butt Police say about this?? Is my own ample rump preventing me from an objective analysis? If the experts could weigh in, that would be much appreciated.
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